Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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