Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
