that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
