I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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