no, he came in my armpit
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
