I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
