apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
