I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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