dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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