Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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