Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
