I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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