The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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