sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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