It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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