my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
