Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
