Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
