we have pet lesbian snakes
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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