what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
