how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
