i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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