My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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