Nicole vs. Life
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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