Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
