Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
