tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
