did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
