So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman