Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
