She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
