if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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