i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
