haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
