Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
