Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
