bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
