tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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