Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
