if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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