A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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