i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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