Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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