Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
