I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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