Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You don't make any sense
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