we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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