just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
