you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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