oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
