put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
