ya dads aren't the best wingmen
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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