It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
