Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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