gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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