i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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