I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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