I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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