quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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